Results tagged “depression” from the prodigal sheep

I started the prodigal sheep project several years ago, during what was, in retrospect, a period of intense intellectual, political and emotional awakening in my life. I wanted to speak out and connect with others on issues I considered to be important and integral to who I perceived myself to be. What began as a curious diversion (anyone can start a blog) grew into a steady stream of discovery, rumination and commentary on topics political, social and spiritual - fanned in no small measure by the delight of connecting with a (small) community of readers and commenters.

This was suddenly interrupted by a prolonged descent into major clinical depression, beginning in 2006 and lasting more than two years. I've written about this from the perspective of being down in the well in a few prior posts, and probably will again in the future as I make sense of the mess (and opportunities) it created in my life. But during the ensuing rollercoaster ride and gradual climb out of the pit and back to some sense of normalcy, I largely lost any sense of purpose I had in maintaining the blog, and it fairly quickly fell by the wayside.

I have wanted to return to writing time and time again but was continually defeated by two challenges: firstly, sheer inertia - what really, after all, can be the lure of such self-reflecting diarizing, research and opinionating that might be noticed by no more than a handful of casual readers, when more prosaic and ultimately pressing concerns constantly crowd my mind and demand immediate attention - but also secondly, I had really by this point run out of steam in attempting, unsuccessfully, to identify any sort of overarching or guiding theme to organize each day's jottings. Or my life itself, for that matter...

The best I could manage, it seems, was to succumb to half-hearted acceptance - hardly strong enough to even be considered a viewpoint - that my life, while interesting and often enjoyable, really has no master plan or metanarrative and therefore that I really don't have much of interest to say that people would bother reading.

Sometimes the most mundane observation can turn us around.  My therapist has quietly encouraged me to take up writing again, to focus perhaps on writing about depression itself and how I dealt with and learned from it. What I've realized lately, though, is that everyone's life is a mystery, the world is a mystery, God and the universe are a mystery, but just because there is so much mystery it doesn't mean our lives don't have meaning or that we can't be a voice for something worthwhile. Whatever we decide to do and however we decide to frame the narrative, you and I are just doing our best to find a path on the journey, whether we acknowledge it or not.

So I resume writing and look forward to seeing where it takes me.

I've been feeling well for a while now, quite good in fact. From a distance, things look so different..

Just came across a wonderful column by Dick Cavett on his personal journey with depression. Recommended reading - both insightful and witty.

Best quote:

[...] once at Oxford a languid Brit part-time professor (and full-time fop) was cooing to me at an academic cocktail party about what he called " this depression business."

"Depression," he announced, "is for sniveling little neurotics."

"How, then," I asked, "have you escaped it?"

I have no memory of what happened next.

As late fall and winter bore down on the upper Midwest, I began to lose my enthusiasm for maintaining this blog. I began to lose enthusiasm for a lot of things unfortunately. My last posting was over three months ago. I have not had much to say in the interim.

Winter here can be hard on the soul for someone used to the eternal sunshine and warmth of Australia. I don't know if the end of summer was the trigger or whether that was just a coincidence. I have to admit it's been a difficult few months. I struggled with depression and a treatment program that just seemed to keep making things worse, not better. I wrote a little about this here and here.

It seems I am through the worst of it now and regaining a sense of normalcy. I wonder to what extent the diagnosis of my depression (which was based on an 'educated' guess by a physician unsupported by any objective physiological or neurological indicators) was more a less a self-fulfilling prophecy. Once planted in my mind, it somehow tapped into deep seated insecurities or hurts somewhere inside for fuel to grow, until it began to define me. I allowed a measure of self-responsibility and ownership for my feelings to be taken away and replaced by a 'diagnosis', one that I now challenge. I might write about this a little more some time when there is more distance from the events of the past three months.

Getting off the medication was just horrible. I do not recommend ever taking a drug like Effexor; it is nasty to be on and truly brutal to get off of. There is some indication these drugs can be permanently addictive in that some people simply cannot tolerate the terrible withdrawal side effects and therefore cannot stop taking the drug. I was sick for two weeks after gradually titrating the dose, and I still have the occasional shivers as well as the seemingly permanent tinnitus that begun the day I started taking Effexor. I won't even mention the horrible emotional rollercoaster that also ensued. I'm sure we'll eventually learn more about the damaging effects of this and other SSRI drugs, and discover that far from the panacea they are claimed to be they are toxic chemicals that should never be given to humans.

In any case, this blog has been an important vehicle for me to express myself and dialogue with others. I enjoy posting and want to re-engage with the world. If anyone's reading this, take a look at some of my observations on matters spiritual and political. Feel free to add a comment. And thanks for stopping by!

I'm not entirely convinced, after all, that I'm 'suffering' from depression — as opposed to going through a rough patch emotionally and spiritually, that might be resolved through means other than pharmacological.

Let me state at the outset that the drugs were the worst experience of my life. First Wellbutrin, and then after a week of mental and physical torture from the side effects, the doctor switched me to Effexor — not as bad, but still a rough ride that I wasn't prepared to endure longer than three days. I've done a lot of drugs (both legal and illegal) in my lifetime, including some very bad acid trips. But nothing prepared me for the horrors of SSRI antidepressants.

What the doctors don't tell you when you start treatment on an SSRI, is that the side effects can be so wrenching that the experience can literally leave you feeling more depressed and helpless than when you started out. And even if you stop using the drugs, the side effects can continue for some time afterward. 10 days after stopping Effexor, I still have a constant ringing in the ears about which I'm starting to wonder whether it will ever go away... But at least it's better than the mania, nausea, vomiting, belching, anxiety, headaches and other 'side effects' I experienced while on Wellbutrin. Which was ironic, since the reason I visited my doctor in the first place was due to irritable bowel syndrome, the symptoms of which included nausea, vomiting, belching, anxiety, etc.

I did some research online and found some personal testimonies of lifelong addiction to antidepressants, and some terrible stories about drug treatments that read like experiments on lab rats. As I found myself, a physician will recommend one drug and if that doesn't work (or if the side effects are intolerable) keep trying different drugs, doses or combinations until 'something works'.

It seems that scientists don't really know how these toxic chemicals work to correct the assumed chemical imbalances. And with all the talk of chemical imbalance, you'd think it would be important to actually detect one before offering a diagnosis. But all that is required for a diagnosis is that you answer a short one-page psychological questionnaire in a certain way. Gosh, the patient is exhibiting depressed thoughts, so roll out the prescription pad!

This type of diagnosis seems more quackery than real science. Clearly the drug companies benefit in promoting the idea that 50 million Americans suffer from depression, and the corollary that drug treatment is the answer. 

Personally, I think a lot of people, including me, experience depression because we haven't been able to adjust our expectations too well to reality. A lot of men my age and older go through through 'mid-life crises'. Are these caused by chemical imbalances? Or is it just that modern life can often feel crushing, hurtful and seemingly pointless?

I'm not questioning the existence of real clinical depression in some people. But is it just possible that a good portion of those 50 million depressed Americans are suffering not from a chemical imbalance but from the challenge of living in a difficult and often spirtually bankrupt age?

Sometimes I feel hopelessly depressed because my life doesn't seem to be going where I had hoped, because I feel that I haven't grasped my vocation, that I've missed opportunities and squandered blessings. The despair comes from feeling not loved, or not loving enough, or not understood, or grieving over past hurts and failures. It feels more existential than physical.

Maybe the right pill would cure the symptoms, but would it address the spiritual malaise underneath or just push it further down where it can't disturb me? I want to deal with my demons, to face them and move through them, to learn from them and grow as a result. Maybe a pill will make my life easier, but in flattening out the ridges and valleys might it prevent me from learning and growing from life's challenges?

I'll pass on the chemical lobotomy for now I think. 

I haven't posted for a while. Work has been busy and I've been travelling a lot, so it's hard to stay up with the project of maintaining a blog.

Last week I visited my physician, complaining of a chronic and worsening stomach upset. I came away with a diagnosis of depression and a prescription for Wellbutrin. So the world turns...

It was not entirely a surprise to me, although I would have been the last one to admit the existence of a problem. I always behaved as if depression was an emotional and spiritual issue that others had to deal with. I never saw it (except perhaps in occasional moments of intense gloom) as something I would ever have to deal with.

In retrospect I don't know how I couldn't see it for what it is, especially since I've been exhibiting classical symptoms for some time. I guess we are all blindest to that which is nearest our own eyes.

I have of late, but wherefore I know not, lost all my mirth, forgone all custom of exercise; and indeed, it goes so heavily with my disposition that this goodly frame, the earth, seems to me a sterile promontory; this most excellent canopy, the air, look you, this brave o'erhanging firmament, this majestical roof fretted with golden fire: why, it appears no other thing to me than a foul and pestilent congregation of vapours.

- Hamlet 

So a new journey begins for me. Hopefully now that my depression is out in the open I'll be able to deal with the monster instead of keeping it bottled up inside. If you read this blog, please pray for my continued journey of healing.