The Prodigal Sheep

The last few months have been traumatic. In mid-June I found myself dragged inexorably downward into what can only be described as a major depressive episode. This time it was much worse than before, in both intensity and duration and in the impact on those closest to me.

One thing was clear - my previous cynical view of depression needed some adjustment. Things became so bad that I couldn't get out of bed, and for several weeks I experienced recurring suicidal impulses. On doctor's orders I was forced to take leave from work through the end of July. I can't find adequate language to describe what it was like to be in this valley of total despair. It was just horrible.

I began combination drug treatment and weekly psychotherapy. Eventually I began to crawl back up out of the whole that had come to encompass my life. I am so grateful to my doctor, my therapist, my supervisor and colleagues for their support and understanding, but most of all to my life partner and inspiration, Aaron. Even though the drugs seemed to help this time and therapy was also a positive step, without Aaron I would not have found the strength to continue when things seemed like they could not get any better.

Life has begun to stabilize for me again lately. I've spent a lot of time reading and researching so I can better understand this disease. I am reevaluating many things that I previously took for granted, including my religious viewpoints.

I intend to begin posting again. Some of these posts may be about my experience with depression, but I will also continue to muse and vent on issues that concern me most. As always, I welcome your feedback.