I'm not entirely convinced, after all, that I'm 'suffering' from depression — as opposed to going through a rough patch emotionally and spiritually, that might be resolved through means other than pharmacological.
Let me state at the outset that the drugs were the worst experience of my life. First Wellbutrin, and then after a week of mental and physical torture from the side effects, the doctor switched me to Effexor — not as bad, but still a rough ride that I wasn't prepared to endure longer than three days. I've done a lot of drugs (both legal and illegal) in my lifetime, including some very bad acid trips. But nothing prepared me for the horrors of SSRI antidepressants.
What the doctors don't tell you when you start treatment on an SSRI, is that the side effects can be so wrenching that the experience can literally leave you feeling more depressed and helpless than when you started out. And even if you stop using the drugs, the side effects can continue for some time afterward. 10 days after stopping Effexor, I still have a constant ringing in the ears about which I'm starting to wonder whether it will ever go away... But at least it's better than the mania, nausea, vomiting, belching, anxiety, headaches and other 'side effects' I experienced while on Wellbutrin. Which was ironic, since the reason I visited my doctor in the first place was due to irritable bowel syndrome, the symptoms of which included nausea, vomiting, belching, anxiety, etc.
I did some research online and found some personal testimonies of lifelong addiction to antidepressants, and some terrible stories about drug treatments that read like experiments on lab rats. As I found myself, a physician will recommend one drug and if that doesn't work (or if the side effects are intolerable) keep trying different drugs, doses or combinations until 'something works'.
It seems that scientists don't really know how these toxic chemicals work to correct the assumed chemical imbalances. And with all the talk of chemical imbalance, you'd think it would be important to actually detect one before offering a diagnosis. But all that is required for a diagnosis is that you answer a short one-page psychological questionnaire in a certain way. Gosh, the patient is exhibiting depressed thoughts, so roll out the prescription pad!
This type of diagnosis seems more quackery than real science. Clearly the drug companies benefit in promoting the idea that 50 million Americans suffer from depression, and the corollary that drug treatment is the answer.
Personally, I think a lot of people, including me, experience depression because we haven't been able to adjust our expectations too well to reality. A lot of men my age and older go through through 'mid-life crises'. Are these caused by chemical imbalances? Or is it just that modern life can often feel crushing, hurtful and seemingly pointless?
I'm not questioning the existence of real clinical depression in some people. But is it just possible that a good portion of those 50 million depressed Americans are suffering not from a chemical imbalance but from the challenge of living in a difficult and often spirtually bankrupt age?
Sometimes I feel hopelessly depressed because my life doesn't seem to be going where I had hoped, because I feel that I haven't grasped my vocation, that I've missed opportunities and squandered blessings. The despair comes from feeling not loved, or not loving enough, or not understood, or grieving over past hurts and failures. It feels more existential than physical.
Maybe the right pill would cure the symptoms, but would it address the spiritual malaise underneath or just push it further down where it can't disturb me? I want to deal with my demons, to face them and move through them, to learn from them and grow as a result. Maybe a pill will make my life easier, but in flattening out the ridges and valleys might it prevent me from learning and growing from life's challenges?
I'll pass on the chemical lobotomy for now I think.
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