It's been six weeks sinced my last entry. Whatever it was that propelled me to start this blog was overtaken in a flash by more pressing demands: Vacation in Chicago over Memorial Day weekend (which was fun), but immediately before and ever since afterward I've been driven relentlessly by the demands of a project at work that loomed so large and frightful I thought it would never end soon enough. Up nights until 2, 3, 4 am, working weekends, unable to sleep when I did get to bed, waking up dead tired. For weeks now. Tense moments at work and at home. Terrible, and exhausting.
I turned the main part of the project in today. What a relief. There were some small advantages of course. Being pushed so hard like this for long periods can lead to a breakthrough of sorts, the initial resistance giving way (not quite effortlessly though) to a clarity of focus. Almost like, "If I can just get through this, what doesn't kill me will make me stronger." Anyway, I got though it.
But what was lost was greater. Unavailable for social activities, infrequent attendance at church, not seeing the smiles or hearing the voices of people who matter, including at times my partner - who had to just give up on me spending any quality time with me. We had one of those absolutely glorious warm Minnesota summer weekends, the sort that make it hard to believe that winter could even exist - but I spent it all indoors at the computer. And when you start to lose contact with people you can get drawn very quickly into yourself. The world begins to revolve around 'me' and my concerns. Friendly inquiries are regarded with suspicion... "What does she mean when she says, she's concerned about me?" Suspicion turns to paranoia. I started dreaming about what I was working on each day. When the world of dreams becomes indistinguishable from the daily grind, what refuge is there? Doubt and unbelief enter in...
But then I'm drawn to the words of the Psalmist, which put everything back in perspective:
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.Psalm 139:7-13 (NIV)
I'm reminded how close God is and has always been. A phone call from a friend, to see if I'm alright. A smile and a wave from a stranger. A kiss goodnight... Was that God on the phone just now? Jesus reaching out to me? The Spirit's touch on my cheek? Simple acts like this can bridge the gulf and bring us back to God, even when we're least expecting it.
If we can feel God's presence in these moments, we can share it with others around us. In our weakness, God is strong.
The Daily Signposts devotional reading for June 21 ended with the following message and a prayer, which I thought was so appropriate:
To practice hospitality is to do far more than observe social propriety. It is to begin to see people as God does, to let them know that they matter, that they have truly been seen. It is, quite simply, one of the most precious gifts we can give.
O God, help me always be ready to receive the stranger, to welcome all who come my way in need of comfort, support, or a word of cheer.
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